Undertone
by Serenity Goddess
Summary: [COMPLETED... r&r, thanks] The sequel to Build That Wall. A confused Buffy skips town after spending the night with Xander.
1. One

ONE  
  
I  
  
Buffy carelessly wiped the table with the stained rag. She sighed and wiped   
the sweat from her brow. The diner's air conditioning was malfunctioning,   
and she was certain she was going to die of heat-stroke sooner or later. She   
took a seat at the table and leaned back, closing her eyes for a moment. She   
tried not to think of Sunnydale , of her family , of her friends … of   
Xander.  
  
Her eyes shot open when she heard a tiny tinkle from the bell positioned   
above the diner's door , signalling the entrance of another customer. She   
looked down at her uniform and adjusted her name tag. It said 'Sally'. There   
was no 'Buffy' in the name-tag collection, and she decided getting the   
management to make one for her would be a waste of time, so she chose   
'Sally'. Besides, she was tired of being Buffy. She had been Buffy all her   
life - maybe it's time she was someone else for a change.  
  
She looked up and spotted the customer. He was a tall, lean man with what   
looked to be a very bad moustache. He was wearing a tight jeans and a   
ridiculous cowboy hat. She giggled to herself and got up. She waited for him   
to take a seat before walking up to him, carrying her notepad with her.  
  
"What will it be?" she asked, putting on a fake southern accent. She did   
not know why she did it, but it somehow felt it was appropriate at the time.  
  
The man looked at her, but it wasn't her face he was staring at. His eyes   
were hard and cold, and his stare was chilling. Buffy shifted uncomfortably   
and waited for his answer. After staring at her bosom (and her name tag) for   
several long seconds, the man finally spoke, in a thick, rough voice. "Well   
… Sally… I think you have a good idea what I want."  
  
"Really." Buffy answered with a bored tone to her voice. She wasn't   
entirely new to encountering this type of customer. She lowered her notepad   
and stared into his face innocently.  
  
He licked his lips. "How about you give me a good serving of some lovin'?"  
  
Buffy tried not to laugh but she did so anyway. "I think not," she said.  
  
"Come on sweetie," his voice turned into what seemed to be a sneer, "Let   
Teddy here have a taste of your honey."  
  
His hand reached out to grab her, but Buffy reflexively grabbed his wrist   
and held it tight. "How about I give you a taste of bone-breaking?"  
  
Teddy chuckled, hardly intimidated by what seemed to be a small, petite   
blonde waitress carrying a notepad. "So you like it tough, heh? I like that   
in a woman."  
  
Buffy's patience grew thinner by the second. "Funny. Why don't you get the   
hell out of here before I kick your ass."  
  
"A nasty little firecracker, aren't you? Why, I'm sure you could put that   
sweet little mouth of yours to good use , you …" He didn't finish his   
sentence, but instead got up howling and moaning. Buffy let go of his hand   
and he clutched his wrist with his other hand.  
  
"AW! Bitch! You broke my God damn hand!" He screamed, still holding his   
wrist tightly.  
  
"I tried to warn you." Buffy replied, shrugging her shoulders. The truth   
was, she was quite certain she didn't break his hand. She didn't apply too   
much pressure and she didn't hear any bones snapping, but she even if she   
did break some bones, she probably wouldn't have cared.  
  
Teddy continued howling, drawing the attention of another waitress. The   
middle-age woman sauntered up to the scene with nonchalance. "What's the   
matter, Teddy?"  
  
"That fucking bitch broke my fucking hand!"  
  
"Oh, don't be such a baby. Why don't you go on home and put some ice on   
it," the woman told him, hardly bothered by his condition. "And don't bother   
coming back till you've learnt how to treat women with respect."  
  
Teddy glared at her with hatred in his eyes, and turned around. He left the   
diner, mumbling curses as he went. The other waitress laughed quietly to   
herself and looked at Buffy. "Don't bother about old Teddy. "  
  
"You know him?" Buffy replied, throwing down her notepad on the table.  
  
"Sure do," she answered. "He does this all the time. Every month he comes   
down to the diner, doesn't order a thing, and just hits on the waitresses.   
You're the first one, however, who hit on him , though, pardon the pun."   
The older woman laughed at her own joke.  
  
"Miranda," the slayer said warmly, "You should have told this earlier, and   
I could have really done some damage."  
  
"I wouldn't encourage that," Miranda replied, "The management frowns on us   
killing potential customers."  
  
"I doubt Teddy could be considered a potential customer."  
  
"All those tightwads couldn't care less." Miranda glanced towards the   
entrance as she heard the familiar tinkle of the bell. A young lady stepped   
inside and headed for a booth. "Let me get that one."  
  
II  
  
Buffy poured herself a cup of coffee. She stirred her cup aimlessly and   
stared into space. Her thoughts wondered back to Sunnydale. She missed   
everybody. She missed Xander.  
  
"Hmm … deep thought in progress." Miranda came by and set down next to   
Buffy. She reached out for a nearby cup and helped herself to some decaf.   
"Thinking about a long lost lover?"  
  
Buffy jolted back into reality. "What?"  
  
"Nothing," the older woman said, "You just looked … lost for a moment."  
  
"I was." She paused for a moment. "Maybe I still am."  
  
"Life getting you down?"  
  
"*Everything*'s getting me down. I miss home."  
  
"Then go back."  
  
"I can't." Buffy sighed and took a gulp of coffee. It was refreshing to   
have caffeine in her system. "Not anymore. Things have changed, and I can't   
go back."  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
"No. I'll just drown my sorrows in caffeine." Buffy emptied her cup in   
another gulp. "Nothing says therapeutic like a cup of coffee with two   
sugars." She smiled weakly at Miranda.  
  
It had been nearly three months since she left Sunnydale that morning. The   
morning she hopped on the first bus to 'Anywhere but Here'. The morning   
after she and Xander … changed their relationship. Or destroyed it.  
  
She had managed to find a job as a waitress in a tiny diner in the middle   
of town. It wasn't the best job, but it was a job. It would get her through   
- one way or another. She found herself a small apartment with reasonable   
rent. It took her nearly a month to settle down. She had not bothered to   
tell anyone where she was, except her mother , and even that was in a four   
line letter, two and a half months later.  
  
She pressed her fingers against her neck, expecting to feel the cool touch   
of silver, but there was none. She remembered that she didn't have her cross   
anymore. Buffy couldn't help but wonder if he was still keeping it. She   
wondered if he hated her, if he moved on , or if he still loved her.  
  
*tinkle*  
  
Buffy sighed and waited a few seconds before getting up. She grabbed her   
notepad at the side of the table and headed towards the booth where the new   
customer had decided to sit. She pushed a few strands of hair behind her   
ear. "What will it be?"  
  
"How about my best friend - to go?"  
  
Buffy gave a puzzled look and looked down at the customer. "Xander?" 


	2. Two

"What?"  
  
Buffy squinted and looked at the customer again. Maybe it was just wishful   
thinking on her part, but he did look so much like Xander. She couldn't help   
but feel disappointed, but she smiled at him anyway.  
  
"I'm sorry, I must have … did you just say 'my best friend - to go'?" she   
asked him curiously.  
  
The young man laughed. "Apparently you're new here. You must be … now that   
I recall I don't remember seeing you around before."  
  
"Well, yeah …" Buffy nodded.  
  
"I'm Alex."  
  
Buffy took a step back for a moment. God , they even shared the same name.  
  
"You don't look like a Sally." Alex told her, after peering at her name   
tag.  
  
"Excuse me?" She couldn't help but smile.  
  
"I said you don't look like a Sally. You look more like a … Tiffany. Or a   
Cordelia."  
  
Buffy raised her eyebrow in amusement at the latter name. "I should hope   
not." She tapped at her notepad and looked expectantly at him.  
  
He gave her a look that said 'oh', and continued. "You see, I mean, I   
usually come here at night, so probably you wouldn't know me even if you   
*weren't* new, but the people that *do* know me know that my 'best friend'   
is a bacon-lettuce-tomato sandwich, with mayonnaise. Lots of it."  
  
Buffy nodded in understanding, writing down his order. "That would make a   
whole lot more sense that what I thought you said."  
  
'What's a Xander anyway?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"A Xander. I believed you mentioned it a few minutes earlier."  
  
Buffy seemed surprised that he did not realise it was a detachment from his   
first name, but she shook this feeling aside and tried to think of how to   
answer the question. "Well … your best friend is a sandwich … mine's a   
Xander. At least it was. Until recently. You know what, forget about it."   
She decided that aimless rambling was going to get her nowhere, and it was   
best if she just got his order.  
  
"You look like you're going through a rough spot."  
  
"That's my life. One big gigantic rough spot." Buffy sighed. "If there was   
a prize for Most Screwed Up, I would be the winner, *and* the first-runner   
up."  
  
"I've been there." Alex put a finger on his lips, and gave her another   
smile. "And the one thing I've learnt is that things are never as bad as   
they look. Half the time you're fretting over nothing. In fact, my mantra is   
'To Hell With It'."  
  
"If only it were that easy."  
  
"It is. If you try." He got up. "Look, maybe what you need is a break. How   
about I take you out to dinner sometime?"  
  
Buffy looked down. "I'm not seeing anybody right now. Sorry."  
  
He looked disappointed, but it didn't seem to bother him. "That's all   
right. I understand. But if you change your mind … I'll be right here. Every   
night. With my best friend."  
  
"Don't you ever get sick of eating the same thing?" Buffy asked.  
  
"I don't think you can get sick of anything you love."  
  
Buffy just smiled in response and walked to the counter to get his order.   
She tore of the front page of her note pad and passed it to the cook and   
took a seat. A few minutes later Miranda walked past carrying an empty tray.   
She set it down on the counter and sat opposite Buffy.  
  
"I see you met Alex Kingsley," Miranda commented as Buffy poured herself   
another cup of coffee.  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"Oh… nothing…." Miranda replied with artificial apathy.  
  
"Don't you 'oh nothing' me. I know what you're thinking. And forget about   
it. I'm not seeing anyone right now." Buffy added a packet of sugar to her   
coffee and stirred it.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"You wouldn't understand. I'm going through a lot right now. I think the   
last thing I want is another complicated relationship to mess up my head and   
drive me insane."  
  
"Bad break-up?"  
  
"Well, I wouldn't call it a break-up," Buffy answered after much pondering,   
"Because there wasn't really a relationship to break-up anyway. It's just …   
it's so…"  
  
"Confusing?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"That's love, my dear." Miranda got up. "And looks like we've got another   
customer."  
  
  
* * *  
  
Buffy looked at the cracked mirror as she silently combed her hair. Her   
apartment wasn't the best place to live in, but at least it was something. A   
strange noise rumbled from upstairs but she paid no attention to it. She was   
used to it.  
  
I miss Xander. The thought ran through her mind repeatedly. She felt so   
frustrated that she couldn't get it out of her mind, that she couldn't get   
*him* out of her mind. Any sane person would have gone back home and melt in   
his arms, but she had to be the confused little vampire slayer.  
  
She couldn't help but think that she made the wrong move, running away too   
fast - not knowing how he felt … not waiting to see how she felt. Or maybe   
what worried her was that she made the wrong move from the start - by   
taking their relationship one step further , by blurring the line between   
friendship and … love.  
  
She had tried to call him, but every time she picked up the receiver her   
hands would shake and she would end up slamming it down. She had tried to   
write him, but the paper would always remain blank at the end of the day.  
  
Sometimes she would spend hours just sitting alone, sitting on her bed,   
thinking about what was so wrong about being with Xander … and the thing   
that scared her the most was that she didn't know. He could be good for her   
- he *is* good for her. If everything about him was wonderful, then why did   
she feel so scared?  
  
She couldn't find an answer. 


	3. Three

THREE  
  
  
The diner was unusually empty that day. Buffy didn't mind, because she was   
tired of working. She was sitting in a booth, looking out of the window,   
looking at the people passing by, feeling sorry for herself. Her   
self-depreciating thoughts were interrupted by a soft melody emitting from   
the small wireless radio Miranda had decided to switch on.  
  
'I'm only hearing negative , no , no, no , bad…  
So I turned the radio on, turn the radio up  
And this woman was singing my song…'  
  
  
Buffy tossed a sideways glance to Miranda, who was mindlessly tapping her   
feet to the rhythm while wiping the counter for the hundred and tenth time.   
Buffy rested her chin on her hand and turned back to the window.  
  
'Lovers in love and the other's run away  
Lover is crying 'cos the other won't stay…'  
  
She wasn't quite paying attention to the music, but somehow she managed to   
catch the phrase - it sounded very much like the story of her life. She   
pondered this for a moment, and wondered if it were a coincidence.  
  
'You said that I was naïve - I thought that I was strong  
I thought 'Hey I could leave, I could leave' , oh  
But now I know that I did something wrong ,  
'cos I missed you… yeah , I missed you…'  
  
Buffy lifted her head and called out to Miranda. "Could you off that thing   
please?"  
  
Miranda stopped her continuous wiping and stared at Buffy. "Why?"  
  
The slayer shrugged her shoulders. "It's giving me a headache." The last   
thing she needed right now was a theme song. Miranda rolled her eyes and   
turned the radio off.  
  
"You know, the way I see it , you could just sit there moping, or you could   
come over here, make yourself useful, and help me clean this counter."   
Miranda rinsed the cloth she was holding under the tap, and then proceeded   
to wipe the counter again.  
  
"I think the counter got clean after the first one hundred times you wiped   
it," Buffy shot back, "And who said I was moping?"  
  
"You looked as if someone shot your puppy."  
  
Xander had the nicest puppy-dog eyes, Buffy thought. She shook her head.   
Every thought she had seemed to revolve around him. "I'm just feeling under   
the weather."  
  
"I never knew someone could be under the weather for weeks."  
  
"You've never met me then."  
  
Miranda put her cloth down and walked over to the booth Buffy was occupying.   
She took a seat opposite the young blonde and put her hands firmly on the   
table. "You're going to tell me what's bothering you. Now."  
  
"Demanding much?" Buffy said, before looking out of the window.  
  
"I prefer the term concerned."  
  
"Look - I told you before … you wouldn't understand." Buffy replied   
monotonously. "Nobody understands me." Except Xander, she thought. But she   
had to sleep with him and then run. Wonderful.  
  
"I've been on this Earth for fifty-two years - chances are I'd understand   
what you're going through." Miranda answered slowly. Her eyes softened as   
she looked at this young woman staring blankly out the window. "What's he   
like?"  
  
Buffy laughed casually. "What's who like?"  
  
"The boy you're thinking about. What's he like?"  
  
"Who said I'm thinking about a boy?" Buffy shot back defensively.  
  
"I repeat - I've been on this Earth for fifty-two years. I have three   
daughters. I think I know the 'what a cute boy' look when I see it,"   
answered Miranda with a tiny smile on her wrinkled face.  
  
Buffy sighed. There was no getting past this seasoned veteran of life. "Well   
… he's … nice."  
  
"Nice is a four letter word, Buffy."  
  
The slayer allowed herself to giggle. "Yeah, but he really is. He's sweet,   
caring, understanding …" She looked up as she heard the soft tinkle of the   
bell. "… and he just walked in." Her voice wavered slightly as she spoke.  
  
Miranda stretched her neck to see who Buffy was talking about, and indeed   
there stood Xander at the entrance of the diner, looking around. "Ooh.   
Cute."  
  
Buffy wondered if it was a good idea to make herself seen. She didn't know   
if she could handle seeing him now. She didn't know if she could see him -   
ever. Maybe she could crawl under the table and he would go away. She   
narrowed her eyes and slinked her back down the seat, hoping that he   
wouldn't notice.  
  
This movement, however, did not escape Miranda's active eyes. A small   
mischievous grin formed on her lips as she leaned forward, exclaiming   
loudly. "Buffy! Whatever are you doing?"  
  
Xander spun around at the mention of Buffy's name. He spotted her in the   
corner booth and walked slowly towards her, hands in his pocket. Buffy   
silently cursed Miranda and told her she would kill her entire family.   
Miranda merely gave Buffy an innocent look and shook her head slightly.  
  
"Hey." Xander greeted the friend he had not seen for months. He nodded at   
Miranda and turned back to Buffy.  
  
"Hi," she answered slowly, before gesturing to Miranda. "This is Miranda."  
  
"Hello." Miranda got up and shook Xander's hand. "If you'll excuse me, I   
have to clean the counter." She walked to the counter , turning back once to   
wink at Buffy, laughing to herself as she picked up her cloth and started   
working on the counter again.  
  
An awkward silence filled the air between Buffy and Xander. He took a seat   
opposite her, and opened his mouth as if to speak, only to close it shut   
after two seconds. Buffy decided to break the silence. "How did you find   
me?"  
  
He gave her a classic Xander-smile before he answered. "Let's just say your   
mother can't keep a secret." Buffy briefly remembered the letter she wrote   
to her mother. "You have no idea how many diners there are in this town. It   
took me two days to find this joint… and let me tell you that the Waterfall   
Motel is not as comfortable as it sounds."  
  
They were talking as if nothing ever happened that night, and Buffy   
couldn't stand it. There were so many things she wanted to tell him - so   
many things she wanted to explain … but she couldn't. She just looked at   
him, staring deep into his dark brown eyes.  
  
Xander paused before continuing. "So… was I that bad in bed that you had to   
skip town?"  
  
Buffy raised an eyebrow as she looked at him. It was just so like Xander -   
treating everything as it if were a joke. She didn't smile. "I needed some …   
time away. That's all."  
  
"You didn't have to leave town." Xander replied as-a-matter-of-factly. "You   
could have told me. I would have given you space."  
  
"I don't know." She looked down. "Maybe I needed more … physical space …   
instead of just emotional."  
  
Xander toyed with the salt and pepper shakers absent-mindedly as he spoke.   
"Are you angry at me? Because … I …" He swallowed before continuing. "… took   
advantage of you."  
  
"No." Her words came out quicker than she had expected them to. "You didn't   
take advantage of me. There were two of us there… I have as much to do with   
this as you."  
  
He put down the shakers. He looked down at his hands. "I don't… it's … I   
shouldn't have. Whatever it is, I shouldn't have done that. You were … you   
needed a friend … and I … I'm sorry." He looked at her deeply. "I'm sorry."  
  
Buffy placed her hand on his. "It's not your fault."  
  
He glanced at her hand and then back at her beautiful face. "Come home with   
me. We can work this out. Please. This past few months … I've … it's been   
terrible without you. I don't think I could bear it anymore if you don't   
come back with me."  
  
"Xander… I can't. Not now."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I need time. What happened between us … we can't go back to the way we   
were. We can't pretend this didn't happen." Buffy spoke sadly. "And I don't   
want to hurt myself .. or you … anymore that I have to."  
  
"We don't have to go back … we could start anew. Make things up as we go   
along." Xander gave her a weak attempt at a smile. "I could … I could take   
care of you. I mean, I'll try. We could try."  
  
"I don't think so." Buffy didn't know why she lied. She wanted this as much   
as Xander… and yet she refused to show it. She loved him so much that she   
didn't want to lose him. No matter how wonderful he was - to enter a   
relationship with him … it had its risks and she didn't want to risk him.   
Maybe it would better if she just stayed friends … she would never lose him   
that way… or would she, especially what she had done? She needed more time -   
and she couldn't think straight with Xander staring at her with those sad,   
eyes. "Go home Xander."  
  
"Not without you."  
  
"Don't you understand?" Buffy felt her tone getting sharper. Tough love.   
She found it incredibly difficult to utter the following words. "I can't …   
be with you. I don't want to." She felt terrible - she was lying to him and   
she was lying to herself. She never understood it - but it was her reflex to   
lie , or run away whenever she found herself in a situation she could not   
comprehend.  
  
His brown eyes seemed to turn darker after hearing those words. He looked   
confused, and hurt. "What about this, then?" His voice rose all of a sudden,   
as he whipped out something and slammed it on the table. It was Buffy's   
cross. "What the hell is this about?"  
  
Buffy looked at the cross carefully. She had given this to him that   
morning. She made no attempt to reach out for it. "I gave that to you   
because … I didn't want you to … forget me." It was the most truthful thing   
she had said during this whole conversation.  
  
"You don't want me to forget you, but you don't want to be with me - I'm   
confused. Help me out here, because I keep getting mixed signals." His voice   
was still loud, and Miranda looked in their direction. "Or you know what, I   
don't really care. I can't waste my life trying to figure you out."  
  
He stood up. "Keep your cross. I don't want it anymore."  
  
"Xander…" Buffy pleaded with him.  
  
Xander merely waved his hand and walked out of the diner.  
  
Buffy made no effort to follow him. She slumped back in her seat and gazed   
at him through the window, before his figure finally disappeared. She   
couldn't understand the mess she was in. She did not believe it, but she had   
managed to turn the sweet, gentle Xander she knew … into the person she saw   
leave.  
She realised that she must have really hurt him to cause such a reaction -   
and a tear rolled down her cheek. 


	4. Four

FOUR  
  
Miranda looked over at Buffy sympathetically from the counter. She had been   
watching everything with a discreet sense of interest, right from the   
beginning. She pondered the series of events as the handsome young man that   
had come to see Buffy stormed out. She looked at Buffy, who slumped back   
against the seat, covering her mouth with her hand.  
  
"Didn't turn out so well, huh." Miranda said softly as she took a seat   
opposite the Slayer.  
  
Buffy briefly looked up at the older woman and answered bitterly. "You   
think, Sherlock?"  
  
"There's no reason to get snappy."  
  
Buffy gently bit her finger. She looked back at Miranda and her face and   
tone softened. "I'm sorry." She paused. "I guess I'm not in a very good mood   
right now."  
  
"That's okay," replied Miranda. "Do you want me to get you a drink? Coffee   
perhaps?"  
  
"How about three hundred margaritas?"  
  
Miranda couldn't help but laugh. "I don't think I can do that, dear." She   
ran her hands through her hair carelessly. "But what I can do is listen. If   
you'd let me."  
  
Buffy put her hands in her head and moaned softly. "My life is just one big   
screw up after another."  
  
"Well, I don't think it's that bad," Miranda tried to comfort the young   
woman. "Things will work out soon. You'll see."  
  
"I certainly hope so."  
  
"I couldn't help overhearing your conversation, because, well, I was   
eavesdropping," ventured Miranda with a small smile. "And he seems like a   
nice fellow."  
  
"Nice," repeated Buffy. "I've never had a nice guy before. Stupid, and   
insipid yes, but never nice."  
  
"Nice guys are the best kind," commented Miranda, as she wet her lips.  
  
"Do they always finish last?"  
  
"On occasion, yes. But not all the time. And this one doesn't have to. If   
you give him a chance." Miranda paused, phrasing the next question in her   
mind carefully before putting it forward. "How do you feel about him?"  
  
Buffy thought about how to answer this question. "I guess… I don't know. I   
think I feel something, but I'm not sure. How can you be sure?" She hammered   
the table with her fists.  
  
"There's no real way to tell, but your heart knows, believe me. Your brain   
just hasn't received the signal yet... and sometimes it doesn't have to."  
  
"Are you going Disney on me?"  
  
"I'm giving you advice, Disney or not. I may not know what's going on   
inside your head, but I'm guessing you like this boy. A lot."  
  
Buffy looked at Miranda, wondering what else she knew. "I guess I do. But I   
… I'm scared. If… if we ever got together, and things don't work out, I   
could lose him. I don't want that."  
  
"Keyword being 'if'. Who says things won't work out? How will you know if   
you don't give it a shot?" Miranda's voice took on a serious , maternal   
tone. "If you don't do something about this right now, you'll regret it, I   
can guarantee it."  
  
Buffy took a deep breath. "I should talk to him."  
  
"Yes, you should," ordered Miranda. "Now get off your butt and start   
looking for him."  
  
Buffy nodded and stood up. She turned to go, but looked back at Miranda   
instead. "Thank you."  
  
Miranda smiled in response. "Go," she said warmly, motioning towards the   
doors of the diner. "Now."  
  
Buffy nodded again and headed towards the door. She was intent on telling   
Xander her feelings. There would be no more hiding, no more lying. She had   
wasted too much time with that already.  
  
She was so engrossed in her thoughts that she didn't notice the door   
swinging open. The tinkling of the bell merged with a loud 'thud' as the   
edge of the door struck her face. She toppled backwards and tumbled to the   
floor. Miranda got up immediately and rushed on to the scene.  
  
"You all right?" She asked, as she helped Buffy up.  
  
The blonde nodded and gently massaged the bridge of her nose. "Fine, but   
just a bit humiliated."  
  
"I'm so sorry!" The man who had entered apologised profusely. "I should   
have been paying more attention to where I was going. God, are you all   
right?"  
  
"Fine," said Buffy for the second time. She looked at the person who was   
speaking, and realised it was none other than Alex Kingsley. She muttered   
his name in recognition. "Alex."  
  
"I'm so sorry," he mumbled over and over again as he helped her stand   
steadily. "Look, let me buy you a drink, to show you how terribly sorry I   
am."  
  
"I work here. I get drinks for free," Buffy answered, still rubbing her   
nose. "But thanks anyway."  
  
"Well, I know this club downtown that…"  
  
"No thanks." Buffy cut in before he could finish his sentence. She could   
tell where he was going from there, and she wasn't really interested in that   
right now. Right now, she could only think of Xander. "I really have to be   
going…"  
  
"Do you need a lift?" Alex was going out of his way to be helpful in an   
attempt to impress her. "I could give you a ride if you…"  
  
Buffy waved her hand weakly. "Nah. I need the exercise, and the weather   
look's pretty good." She took a step towards the door.  
  
"It looks like it's going to rain."  
  
"Nothing like a little rain to put me in the mood for walking," Buffy   
replied hopelessly, shrugging her shoulders as she spoke. She gave both   
Miranda and Alex a brief nod, and stepped outside. She looked up at the sky   
and realised that Alex was right - dark clouds were looming precariously.   
She took a deep breath and started walking.  
  
Inside the diner, Alex watched her through the glass windows. He turned   
back to Miranda. "Is she going to be all right?"  
  
The old woman arched her eyebrows for a moment. "I certainly hope so."  
  
= end of this part= 


	5. Five

FIVE  
  
Buffy looked around helplessly. She had only been in this town for a short   
while and she was hopeless at directions. She rubbed the bridge of her nose   
painfully; it still stung. She spotted a man standing at the sidewalk and   
she walked up to him. "Excuse me, I'm looking for the Waterfall Motel , and   
I…"  
  
"Bah!" the man waved his hand at Buffy and walked away.  
  
She cursed under her breath and walked to woman who was also standing   
nearby. "Excuse me, could you tell me where the Waterfall Motel is?"  
  
The woman pushed down her sunglasses and looked at her kindly. "Sure… see   
that road down there? Follow that and take the first right. Keep on going   
and you'll pass a police station, and then take… let's see… another right   
and keep on going. You'll find it."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
* * *  
  
"Is there an Alexander Harris staying here?" asked Buffy.  
  
The man behind the counter stared at her stupidly. "What?"  
  
"Is there an Alexander Harris staying here?" Buffy repeated. She was getting   
impatient.  
  
"Ehh… er…" The man shifted through a pile of papers and took out a dirty,   
dog-eared book. "Alexander Harris. Room 8."  
  
"Thanks," mumbled Buffy and proceeded to the door.  
  
"You're not planning on staying, right?" The man asked as she was nearly out   
the door. "Because roommates are extra."  
  
"No, I'm just a friend." Buffy said without turning back. Maybe something   
more than that, she thought, if he gives me a chance.  
  
She walked down the corridor and looked at the room numbers. Room 5, Room 6   
, Room 7 …. Room 8. She gave a deep breath before walking right up to the   
door. She paused and thought about it. Maybe she should run now. He'll never   
have to know she came all the way here. Maybe she should give him a few days   
to cool down. Maybe she should write him. Words are always easier when   
they're not spoken. She mentally slapped herself and knocked on the door.  
  
"I said I'm GOING!" yelled Xander from the inside. "Jesus, can't you give a   
guy a few minutes?"  
  
Buffy placed her hands on the handle and realised that it was not locked.   
She turned it and pushed the door open. She saw Xander with his back to her,   
and a suitcase on the bed. "Hey!"  
  
He spun around. "Buffy!" His failed to hide his excited tone, as angry as he   
was at her. He said nothing for a while and then turned back to his packing.  
  
"What are you doing?" Buffy asked as she carefully took a small step inside   
his room.  
  
"I'm leaving," he replied coldly, "So you don't have to."  
  
Buffy winced. She spoke in a soft voice. "Ow. I guess I deserve that."  
  
Xander stopped packing. He spoke without turning around. "Yes. Yes, you do."  
  
"Xander…" Buffy tried to think of what she should be saying. She wished she   
never opened her big mouth and shoved her big foot down it in the first   
place. "I'm sorry. About all those things I said in the diner."  
  
"Why should you be?" His voice was hard and sharp. "You meant it."  
  
"That's the whole point… I didn't mean …"  
  
"Right." Xander cut her off. He finally turned around. "It's always like   
this with you. You treat people however you feel like treating them,   
regardless of how *they* feel, and when you realise you need them again, you   
just go all 'I'm sorry!' and then expect us to fall at your feet and serve   
you again. Well, *I'm* sorry, because I'm tired of doing that."  
  
Buffy felt tears welling in her eyes. "That's a mean thing to say."  
  
"Yeah, well, you've said a lot of mean things as well," said Xander   
heartlessly, "You're not the only one with that skill."  
  
"Look Xander, all I want to say is…"  
  
"Save it." He turned around and shoved the last few articles of clothing   
into the suitcase. "I'm tired of listening to you. And I don't want to.   
Because I'm stupid enough to believe everything you tell me, and I'm stupid   
enough to keep crawling back to you after you've kicked me down over and   
over again. And if I intend to go anywhere in my life, I can't have anything   
to do with you anymore."  
  
The tears flowed freely from her eyes. She walked up to him and placed her   
hand on his shoulder. "Xander, please…"  
  
He turned around and shrugged her hand off him. "Don't touch me." He closed   
the suitcase and snapped it shut. "I'm leaving, and you don't ever have to   
see me again. That's what you want, isn't it? You don't want to be with me,   
well guess what, I just discovered I really don't want to be with you   
either."  
  
"You're not even listening to…"  
  
"Please, Buffy." His voice softened and he spoke slower. It hurt him to see   
her crying, and it hurt him even more that he had been the source of all   
this. He shrugged the feeling off - if he didn't they would be going round   
and round in circles again. "No more."  
  
He placed his hand on her cheek and wiped the tears from her eyes. He   
kissed her softly on the forehead, oblivious to his own tears that were   
trickling down his face. "Goodbye, Buffy. It's been fun."  
  
"Don't leave, Xander."  
  
"I'm sorry." He grabbed the suitcase that was lying on his bed. "I love   
you."  
  
"Xander…"  
  
He pressed his finger on her lips. "I don't think I can take any more of   
this. So don't. Please."  
  
Buffy nodded, and more tears rolled down her cheek. Xander gave her one   
last look, and walked out the door. Buffy stared out after him. She wanted   
to call him, she wanted to yell out how much she loved him, how much she   
needed him, but for some reason, she couldn't find her voice. Her legs felt   
weak and she sat down on the bed, crying.  
  
- - -  
  
"Are you sure?" Miranda asked in disbelief as she leaned against the   
counter.  
  
"Absolutely. Cross my heart and hope to die." Alex made a cross above his   
heart and then crossed his fingers.  
  
"I don't believe that he…" Miranda stopped as she heard the familiar tinkle   
of the bell. She looked up and expected to see Buffy come in with Xander.   
Well, she was half right.  
  
Buffy walked in ,looking like a zombie. She had been crying for the past   
half an hour alone in the motel room, until the owner came and told her to   
leave. She then roamed the streets aimlessly, bemoaning her stupid life and   
wishing about all the things she should have said and done.  
  
She entered and looked at Miranda. And Alex. God, he looked so much like   
Xander.  
  
The mere thought of Xander brought tears to her eyes and she started crying   
again.  
  
Alex jumped up from his seat and rushed to her. "Are you all right?"  
  
Buffy mumbled some kind of incoherent reply and then moved to the counter.   
She sat down on the stool and rested her head on the counter, sobbing away.   
Miranda looked at Buffy with concern and sympathy in her eyes. Alex walked   
up to the counter and started to say something. Miranda signaled for him to   
him to stop by shaking her head. Alex nodded in understanding and sat down   
beside Buffy silently. 


	6. Six

SIX  
  
***  
'I've got to change my wishes  
I've got to stop wanting you here...  
I've got to change my thinking  
Because it blinds me, and it blinds the right way to see...  
I've got to give up the believing  
I've got to stop hoping  
But that's so hard to do.'  
  
***  
  
VI  
  
  
  
"Feeling better?"  
  
Buffy walked up to the counter and sat down. "Not really. Thanks for asking   
, though."  
  
"No problem," said Miranda, as she patted her hair which she had tied up in   
a bun that day. "I was just pretty worried about you after you came here   
yesterday crying your eyes out and then went home, still crying your eyes   
out."  
  
"Well, my eyes are still here," said Buffy at a bad attempt to joke, "But   
my life still sucks, though."  
  
"Poor girl," said Miranda. "You deserve it you know."  
  
"Excuse me?" Buffy looked up. "Isn't this 'Feel Sorry for Buffy' hour?"  
  
"We did that yesterday," answered Miranda, "now it's 'Tell Buffy She   
Screwed Up' hour."  
  
Buffy sighed. "You really don't need to tell me that. I kinda figured that   
out myself." She put her head on the counter desolately. "I guess it's   
totally over then."  
  
"You and Xander?"  
  
She nodded. Her heart sank as she replayed the events of the previous day.   
"He really seemed angry."  
  
"And he has every right to be," replied Miranda, as she refilled the   
coffeepot with more steaming, decaf coffee. "If I were in his shoes, I would   
have barely stopped short of murdering you."  
  
"You're doing a real fine job of cheering me up," Buffy gave her the thumbs   
up sign. "Thanks."  
  
"Do you want to be cheered up, or do you want the truth?"  
  
"Cheered up."  
  
Miranda ignored her. "You treated the poor guy like he didn't exist for the   
past, god knows how many years, and now you think if you just drop by his   
motel he'll accept you and forget everything."  
  
"Which part of this is the cheering up?"  
  
"Hush."  
  
Buffy lifted her head. "You think I don't know that I'm a horrible person?   
You think I don't know that?" Her eyes watered and she buried her head in   
her hands.  
  
Miranda's face softened. She was about to apologize for being so hard on   
the girl when the front door's bell tinkled, and in strolled Alex, whistling   
a merry tune. He stopped when he spotted Buffy at the counter.  
  
"Hey Miranda," he said softly, as he walked past Buffy. "Hi Buffy."  
  
Buffy looked up waved her hand slightly before returning to her original   
position.  
  
"Her condition hasn't changed much, eh?" Alex whispered to Miranda across   
the counter.  
  
Buffy lifted her head up again and snapped. "I heard that. Don't talk about   
me like I'm not here."  
  
Alex took a step back. "I .. err… I was just wondering how you were… and I   
didn't feel like… bothering you … so … er…"  
  
The slayer sighed. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm not exactly Miss Congeniality   
right now."  
  
"Well I guess now wouldn't be a time to ask for my BLT sandwich?" Alex   
asked, hoping to get a smile out of the slayer.  
  
She just looked at him, reached out for the notepad beside her and tossed it   
in his direction. "Write it down yourself and give it to Miranda."  
  
"That's all right," said Miranda, intervening, "I'll get it." She headed to   
the back kitchen.  
  
Alex looked at Buffy and took a seat beside her. "I hope you don't mind."  
  
"Not really."  
  
"So, what's bugging you?" Alex asked.  
  
"If you don't mind," Buffy said slowly, "I'm really not in the mood for   
talking now. It's not you or anything... I'm just… not in the mood."  
  
"That's all right," said Alex. He looked down for a moment, and then looked   
at the back to see if he could spot Miranda. After a few seconds of silence,   
he started again. "Guy problems?"  
  
Buffy stared at the counter. At first she didn't want to answer him, but she   
did anyway. She gave a tired laugh. "Something like that."  
  
"Some jackass broke your heart?"  
  
"No," said Buffy after pausing for a while. "It's more like the other way   
around."  
  
"Oh." He struggled to find something thoughtful and comforting to say. "…   
and this guy… I'm guessing you really like him?"  
  
"Yeah," Buffy twiddled her fingers aimlessly. "Only I realised it too late.   
That's the trouble with me. I wait too long. And then I end up all alone in   
the diner telling sob stories to someone who probably doesn't even care."  
  
"I care."  
  
She looked at him quizzically. "Why?"  
  
He gave her a smile. "I'm a sucker for sob stories."  
  
She laughed a little. "Boy, then you'll really love me."  
  
Miranda sauntered out of the kitchen carrying a small paper bag. She placed   
it on the counter in front of Alex. "Here you go. I rang it up on your tab."  
  
"Thanks, Miranda." Alex grabbed the bag and stood up. He addressed Buffy.   
"Well, I've got to go. Work's calling. Feel better soon."  
  
Buffy nodded. "Be careful with the bacon. It can clog your arteries."  
  
"I think I'll take that risk." He gave her another smile and tipped an   
imaginary hat to Miranda. The older lady waved in reply as he left the   
diner.  
  
Miranda leaned on the counter. "So, what did you two talk about?"  
  
"As if you weren't listening."  
  
"Okay, so I was," Miranda confessed. "But I missed out some parts."  
  
Buffy gave Miranda a look. "Do you think he'll come back?"  
  
"Alex?"  
  
"Xander…" She spoke his name softly. "Do you think he'll come back here?"  
  
"What do you think?" asked Miranda. "Don't ask questions you already know   
the answers to."  
  
She looked at the older woman. "Do you think I should go back home? Maybe   
if I … if I took the afternoon bus I could reach home by nightfall, and then   
I can see Xander, and everything will be all right."  
  
Miranda sighed and wrung her hands. "I think it's best if you give him some   
time, dear. Right now he needs to clear his mind … and his heart, and the   
last thing he needs to see right now is you, to complicate matters. Give him   
some time, and some space… maybe it'll work out then."  
  
"You sure? Because if I start packing now I can catch the…"  
  
"I'm sure."  
  
"All right." Buffy reached out for her notepad which Alex had left on the   
counter. "I heard work distracts the lonely hearted."  
  
"Don't I know it," said Miranda with a laugh. She threw a rag towards   
Buffy. "Help me get the tables clean, then."  
  
---- 


	7. Seven

SEVEN  
  
"Oh Miguel!"  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes as she strolled past the young couple. They had been   
sitting there for nearly an hour and all they ordered was a glass of coke.   
With two straws. She walked behind the counter and watched them from there.  
  
Miranda came up from behind her. "Still at it?"  
  
"Very," said Buffy without turning around. "Going on an hour now."  
  
"Oh, please, Miguel? Tell me the one about the priest again!" The girl   
begged enthusiastically. When her partner obliged, she clenched her fists   
hard and burst into a chorus bubbly giggles.  
  
"God, he's told that story like 3 times already," noted Buffy. "And it's   
not even funny."  
  
"It was the first time he told it," answered Miranda.  
  
"Not to me," Buffy said, finally turning back and looking at the older   
woman. "I don't get it."  
  
"You don't get a lot of things," said Miranda as she picked up the stray   
glass lying on the counter and put it in the sink.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Buffy asked defensively.  
  
"Nothing." Miranda hummed out the single word, which further annoyed Buffy.   
Buffy decided not to pursue the matter further with Miranda. Instead, she   
turned back and stared at the giddily happy couple seated not far away.  
  
Her thoughts slowly drifted away, and slowly piece by piece, they led her   
to Xander. That day's events had played over and over in her head for more   
than a thousand times, and yet she didn't feel any sense of closure or   
conclusion. She had tried to push him out of her mind for the past two   
weeks, but it was easier said than done.  
  
She had waited for what seemed to be a reasonable span of time before she   
crumbled and phoned him. Each time she tried, nobody picked up. To make   
matters worse, he didn't have an answering machine, and she couldn't let him   
know she desperately needed to talk to him. She wondered where he was.  
  
She would have gone back to Sunnydale if she had the guts. Unfortunately   
for her, she was torn between her great desire to see Xander and patch   
things up, and her fear of being shot down again. She wasn't sure if she   
could face him again after what he had said to her, but in some strange   
sense she wanted to.  
  
"You're so funny, Miguel!"  
  
The cheery voice of the adolescent shook her from her thoughts.  
  
Buffy broke away from her silent brooding to toss another glance at the   
couple. They were taking a sip from their Coke. She did not know two people   
could take so long just to finish one glass. She ran her fingers through her   
blonde hair.  
  
"I love you, Miguel! Do you love me?"  
  
Buffy tilted her head as she watched the exchange.  
  
"You know I do."  
  
"Really?!" Another session of giggling followed.  
  
Oh God, shut up already, Buffy thought. Don't rub your happiness in my   
face.  
  
* Tinkle *  
  
Buffy looked up as the bell positioned over the front door gave a merry   
tinkle. Alex strolled in and gave her a small wave. He walked up to her and   
sat on the stool, his elbows on the counter. "Hey there."  
  
"Hi, Alex."  
  
Seeing Alex became something of a regular occurrence for Buffy, especially   
during the past week or so. Even Miranda cleverly noticed that Alex had been   
coming to the diner more often than usual. Buffy didn't think much of it,   
because secretly she didn't mind. She didn't have that many friends,   
especially here, so she didn't mind Alex's frequent visits.  
  
Miranda came out from the back. "Alex! Another BLT?"  
  
"Strangely enough, I didn't come here for a sandwich today," the young man   
answered. "I come here with a proposition."  
  
A bout of giggling from behind interrupted him, and he turned his head   
around in annoyance.  
  
"Ignore them," said Miranda. "Carry on."  
  
"Which one of you lovely ladies is free tonight?" Alex asked bluntly. "I   
happen to have an extra ticket to 'A Criminal Mind'. I was supposed to go   
with my friend, but he bailed out because his cousin suddenly decided to   
drop by. "  
  
"Sorry, I can't," said Miranda. "As fate would have it, I'm babysitting my   
granddaughter tonight. But, Buffy, I believe , has a free schedule. She   
always has a free schedule."  
  
"Thank you, Miranda for that wonderful insight into my life," Buffy said.  
  
"Well, are you free?" Alex asked. He waved the ticket about in the air. "It   
would be a shame to waste a perfectly good ticket…"  
  
"Didn't you tell me you wanted to see that movie desperately?" Miranda   
asked Buffy helpfully.  
  
Buffy looked at Miranda and then at Alex. "Sure." After all, it was just a   
movie. And Alex *was* her friend after all. It was not like she was   
implying anything. And it did look like a pretty good movie. Buffy tried to   
even out her actions in her mind. "I'd love to." 


	8. Eight

EIGHT  
  
"Is that a new hairstyle?" asked Miranda as Buffy came out from the back   
after changing from her uniform into something a little more comfortable.  
  
"Not really," said Buffy, running her fingers through her ponytail. "Just a   
little different."  
  
"Doing that for Alex?" The other woman asked.  
  
"No," shot back Buffy almost too quickly.  
  
"Just asking," said Miranda, scratching her forehead. "Are you attracted to   
him?"  
  
"Alex? God, no," said Buffy, as she walked up to the front and sat down on   
one of the stools. "Maybe. I don't know. I don't think so. Maybe it's   
because he reminds me so much of Xander."  
  
"You've been moping about Xander for the past … God only knows," said   
Miranda , putting her elbows on the counter, "Can't you just go out for a   
simple movie and enjoy yourself without worrying and thinking too much?"  
  
"I guess I could," reasoned Buffy slowly, "Besides, it does look like a   
good movie."  
  
"And you're only going as friends," said Miranda, as she leaned forward to   
Buffy, "Right?"  
  
"Right." Buffy paused. "You don't think I'm being cheap or anything, do   
you?"  
  
"What on earth would make you think I would?"  
  
"I dunno," Buffy grabbed her bag which was on the counter and put it on her   
lap. "I mean, this whole movie thing with Alex. It's not like I'm totally   
forgetting Xander or anything. It's just a movie."  
  
"You're the one being all hyped up over nothing," said Miranda, "You just   
said that you were going as friends. What's the big deal?"  
  
"I don't know. I feel like I'm betraying him." Buffy paused again. "It   
sounds ridiculous, of course, because… we're not together or anything, but   
I…"  
  
"If you feel that way, then," Miranda looked Buffy straight in the eye.   
"Don't go."  
  
"Well… I…" Buffy sighed, "I sort of already promised him and I don't …"  
  
*tinkle*  
  
Alex strolled in before she could finish her sentence. She turned around at   
the tinkling of the bell and looked him over. He was wearing a long-sleeved   
off-white shirt, and leather pants. Buffy couldn't help but raise an   
eyebrow.  
  
"What?" asked Alex.  
  
"Nothing," said Buffy, "You look … different. That's all."  
  
Alex looked down at himself and then back at Buffy and Miranda. "It's the   
leather pants , isn't it?"  
  
Buffy giggled. "Maybe."  
  
"Well, I would change," said Alex, as he looked at his watch, "But I don't   
think we'll have enough time. Are you ready to go?"  
  
"Sure," said Buffy, as she stood up. She turned to Miranda. "Good night.   
See you tomorrow."  
  
"Good night," Miranda smiled at her. "Have fun. Tell me all about the movie   
tomorrow morning."  
  
"I will, Miranda." Buffy patted her hand and then waved goodbye. Alex   
waited for her and they both walked out of the diner together.  
  
- - -  
  
  
"That was a good movie, wasn't it?" said Alex as they walked out of the   
theatre.  
  
"Well, it was kind of interesting," replied Buffy, "I liked the bit where   
the whole building blew up."  
  
"No kidding," said Alex, "That was my favourite part of the movie too."  
  
"Yeah, especially when…" Buffy stopped. She stared straight ahead at   
something, and then blinked several times… It couldn't be…  
  
"Buffy? Is there something wrong?"  
  
Buffy didn't say anything for a while, but kept on looking. She squinted,   
and then shook her head, rather disappointed. "I'm … I'm sorry. I thought I   
saw … someone I knew. My mistake."  
  
"Who was it?"  
  
Xander, she thought. "A friend. Never mind… I should probably get my eyes   
checked."  
  
Alex stopped walking and turned to face her. "Hey, do you feel like going   
for a snack? All that action bits made me quite hungry, believe it or not."  
  
"Well," Buffy contemplated for a moment, "I could use something to eat. The   
popcorn really wasn't that nice."  
  
"I know this place down the street," said Alex, "They serve the best   
Italian food. Do you like Italian food?"  
  
"Sure," said Buffy, and she started walking again. She looked back one more   
time… just to be sure. He was nowhere in sight. Buffy wrinkled her forehead   
and looked down as she walked. With each passing moment she spent with Alex,   
he reminded her of the times she had had with Xander. Alex and Xander shared   
more than just physical similarities. Alex's sense of humor brought back   
memories of the jokes Xander used to crack every five minutes, and she would   
have sworn Xander would have enjoyed the exploding building in the movie as   
much as Alex. She missed him. And home. God, it had been so long since…  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
Buffy shook her head and looked at Alex. "Eh… sorry. Dazed out for a   
second. You were saying?"  
  
"Are you sure you're all right?" Alex asked, concerned, "You seem … pretty   
out there."  
  
"Just thinking," Buffy gave him a fake smile, "Nothing to worry about. I've   
been told I think too much, though."  
  
"That isn't a bad thing," said Alex, "Most of the time."  
  
"I was just thinking about … home. And stuff," said Buffy. "Haven't been   
home for a while. I thik I'm homesick."  
  
"I used to feel that way when I first moved here," said Alex softly, "But   
you get used to it in time. And you can always visit."  
  
"I guess I can," said Buffy, thinking about the idea. Maybe it was time to   
go back home. If she could… she would have to deal with whatever happened.  
  
"Where do you come from anyway?" asked Alex curiously.  
  
"Oh, some place called Sunnydale," said Buffy, for some reason not very   
keen about mentioning her 'home town'.  
  
"Sunnydale?" Alex echoed. "Gosh, isn't that a coincidence. I grew up in   
Sunnydale. Or at least for a couple of years. We moved when I was, like,   
five. Don't know why though…"  
  
I can guess why, Buffy thought. "It's a small world, isn't it."  
  
"Yeah," Alex agreed. He stopped and pointed across the street. "That's the   
place." 


	9. Nine

"The leaves they fall  
They go so far sometimes  
Do I blame the wind  
Or the tree that let it go  
Or do I wave goodbye, settling…"  
- Tara Maclean, Settling  
  
NINE  
  
"I don't know what to order," said Buffy , looking at the menu, wrinkling   
her forehead. "I don't understand half the words here."  
  
"There's a description in small print below each entry," Alex leaned over   
and pointed out helpfully. "Unless your eyes are giving you trouble again."  
  
"Not at all," said Buffy, glancing through all the entries, wondering what   
to order. "It's just that I haven't eaten out in a while. I used to… but   
nowadays it kind of defeats the purpose."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Nothing's worse than eating out alone," said Buffy, "I just get this vibe   
that everybody'll stare and start to feel sorry for me."  
  
"I know," agreed Alex, "Why do you think I hang out at the diner so often?   
You're kind of expected to eat alone there. I think."  
  
"Tell me about it." Buffy paused. "There was this place back home that   
served the best food. Xander and I would go there …" She stopped almost   
immediately after she brought up Xander's name. She looked down and said   
nothing for a while.  
  
Alex looked at her sympathetically, and took it upon himself to change the   
subject. "So. Sunnydale, huh."  
  
Buffy looked up. "Yeah. Huh."  
  
"What's it like now? I hardly remember the place." Alex attempted to get   
her to talk.  
  
"Well…" Buffy pondered the question. "We don't have a high school anymore."  
  
"How's that?"  
  
"Long story. Graduation, fiery carnage, blazing inferno." She smiled. "Not   
such a long story after all."  
  
Alex returned the smile. "So. Are you ready to order?"  
  
Buffy picked up the menu and glanced over it one more time. "Not really. I   
sort of forgot about ordering for a while."  
  
"Take your time," said Alex, "I can't decide myself."  
* * *  
  
Buffy put down her fork by her plate. "… so that's basically it."  
  
Alex dabbed the corners of his mouth with the napkin. "You had such an   
interesting childhood."  
  
"That's not the half of it," answered Buffy, thinking about her   
responsibilities as the Slayer. "And believe me, you really don't want to   
hear about the other half."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Angst filled, emotional turbulence, same old, same old."  
  
"What's this teen angst thing I keep hearing about?" asked Alex innocently.   
"I went through my teens without even the slightest feeling of angst. I   
wonder what I've been missing."  
  
"Nothing great, let's put it this way. I remember when I…" She stopped as   
she looked at the window behind Alex. For a moment , she thought she saw   
Xander. Standing there, leaning against the wall, looking in, watching her.   
She blinked her eyes and shook her head. Her eyes were playing tricks on her   
again. Xander wasn't here. He was back home at Sunnydale, living the great   
Life Without Buffy.  
  
"You remember when you what?" asked Alex after a very long moment of   
silence.  
  
"I… I…" Buffy shifted her gaze from the window back to Alex. "I'm sorry. I …   
thought I saw a friend."  
  
"Again?" Alex turned around and looked at the window.  
  
"Again." Buffy twiddled her fingers and sighed. "I know, I know, I'm so   
hallucinating."  
  
"I take it this 'friend', is something more than just a 'friend', right?"   
said Alex, getting the hint.  
  
"What?"  
  
"That friend. It's *your* guy. Right. Xander."  
  
Buffy looked at Alex. "Yeah. Maybe. I'm sorry."  
  
"Why should you be sorry?"  
  
The slayer put her hands up in the air. "I haven't exactly been the best   
company."  
  
"That's okay," said Alex, putting his hand on hers. "I really don't mind."  
  
"It's just that… I can't get him out of my mind," Buffy said. "Maybe that   
makes me a little bit crazy, or a little bit obsessive. But I don't care."  
  
"Do you really care about him?"  
  
"Of course I do," answered Buffy almost immediately.  
  
"Then what are you doing here?" Alex asked bluntly. "Sitting here moping   
about instead of going off and finding him."  
  
Buffy blinked and stared at Alex. "But… Miranda… she said…"  
  
"If Miranda asked you to jump of a bridge would you do that?"  
  
"Well , first of all, Miranda would never ask me to…"  
  
"You shouldn't be listening to Miranda, when you should be listening to   
yourself."  
  
"Who are you, the Emotions Police?"  
  
Alex leaned forward and gazed into her eyes. "Go to him."  
  
"But I…"  
  
Alex put his index finger on her lips. "I don't want to hear about it. Go   
to him."  
  
Buffy looked at him kindly, and smiled. She held his hand. "Thank you,   
Alex. You're a good friend. And one of the nicest guys."  
  
"Well, pass that message on to all your attractive female friends," said   
Alex, pulling his hand away. "Maybe I'll finally get lucky."  
  
"I will," said Buffy with a small laugh. She stood up and placed a small   
kiss on his forehead. "And thank you. Again."  
  
--- 


	10. Ten

TEN  
  
  
Joyce Summers was about to bite into her sandwich when she heard the   
doorbell ring. She put her sandwich down on the counter and walked into the   
living room. It was not often she had visitors at this time of day, so it   
was a pleasant surprise for her. Recently she had begun to grow lonely and   
bored, and the slightest sign of entertainment made her day.  
  
Probably someone from the book club, she thought as she strolled across the   
room leisurely to the door. The doorbell sounded another time just as she   
opened the door.  
  
"Hey! Can you believe that I actually arrived here twenty minutes early? On   
the bus? I actually thought hell froze over." Buffy announced her arrival   
with such nonchalance that it would seem that she hadn't been away for such   
a long time.  
  
"Buffy!" was all her mother could say.  
  
"Hi, mom."  
  
Joyce pulled her daughter close and embraced her tightly. They hugged for a   
long time, until Buffy politely requested for oxygen. They pulled away and   
Joyce looked at Buffy lovingly.  
  
However, this was short-lived as her face turned from deliriously happy to   
stern and reprimanding. "Buffy, I know you're old enough to make your own   
decisions, and that you're a responsible adult, but I am still your mother,   
and I would like to…"  
Buffy smiled and hugged her mother again. "Never thought I'd say this, but   
I miss the nagging."  
  
"Well, you'll be pleased to know that there's more where that came from."   
Her mother put her hands on her hips. "Just because you're not a teenager   
any more doesn't mean that you can just…"  
  
"I know, I know." Buffy walked in and jumped on the couch. Her voice took   
on a serious tone. "I know what I did was childish, immature, and foolish….   
But I just needed to take a break. Get away from everything."  
  
"You have no idea how worried I was , wondering if…"  
  
Buffy once again interrupted her mother. "I did write."  
  
"*One* letter," Joyce said. "And that wasn't really much in it. I was this   
close to just packing my things and going after you."  
  
"But you didn't."  
  
"No."  
  
"You sent Xander instead."  
  
"Well… he seemed… I thought you would listen to him more than you would   
me."  
  
"Oh, good thinking, mother," said Buffy sarcastically.  
  
Joyce looked at her. "What did you do?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"What did you do?" Joyce repeated.  
  
"Why do you assume it's my fault?"  
  
"It usually is, isn't it."  
  
"Your motherly support is just overwhelming at this point," said Buffy.   
She sighed. "But, yes, it is my fault. But… but… I blame you."  
  
"And how am I involved in all this?"  
  
"If you didn't send Xander after me, none of this would have happened."   
Buffy wrung her hands.  
  
"*What* happened?"  
  
"Maybe I might have said some things that would be considered… eh… bad."  
  
"Bad?" echoed Joyce.  
  
"Very bad." She folded and unfolded her arms. "I'm a horrible, horrible   
person. Why did you have to ask Xander to come and find me?"  
  
"I didn't. He wanted to go." Joyce took a seat opposite her daughter. "He   
cares very much for you, you know."  
  
Buffy buried her head in her hands pitifully. "I know, I know. My life   
officially sucks beyond comprehension."  
  
"What did you tell him?"  
  
"Oh, you know, the usual," Buffy looked up, "I… told him I didn't want to   
be with him."  
  
"Did you mean it?"  
  
"Of course not. I don't even know why I said it."  
  
Joyce slapped her daughter's head lightly. "What's wrong with you?"  
  
Buffy stared at her mother incredulously. "First… OW. Second… what's with   
the third degree? Who's in love with him here - you or me?"  
  
Joyce started to say something but stopped. "You're in love with him?"  
  
Buffy looked at her mother and then sighed again. "I guess so. Maybe. I   
think. Yeah. Maybe. Yes. I am."  
  
"Sometimes I wonder who raised you." Her mother paused. "Did you tell him   
that?"  
  
"No. But that's why I came back."  
  
Joyce gave her a puzzled look. "What do you mean?"  
  
"I came back here to see Xander. Where is he?"  
  
"He's not here." Joyce said. "I haven't seen him since he left to find   
you."  
  
Buffy stared at her mother. "No. He left a few weeks ago."  
  
"He told me he was in town with you," Joyce answered, "He called me last   
week."  
  
"No," insisted Buffy. "He told me he was heading back here. That was two   
weeks ago. I haven't seen him since."  
  
Joyce looked even more confused. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Well, I think I *would* remember seeing Xander." Buffy said. "What's…"  
  
Her words were interrupted by the screeching of a car, parking in front of   
the house. This was soon followed by hurried footsteps and the door was   
flung open. Xander came rushing in, panting.  
  
"Joyce… quick…" He said between quick breaths. "She's going to be back   
anytime soon, and you've got to pretend that I've been here all the…"  
  
Buffy turned around and looked at him. "Hi, Xander." 


	11. Eleven (Epilogue)

ELEVEN (EPILOGUE)  
  
"Buffy… eh." Xander put his hand behind his head and scratched it   
nervously. "Just … just went for a bit of… grocery shopping. Sorry, Joyce,   
there wasn't any low-fat milk left."  
  
"I didn't know it took you two weeks to get milk," said Buffy.  
  
"I got caught in the traffic."  
  
"Oh, I have a sandwich in the kitchen," announced Joyce suddenly and got   
up. "I guess I'd better go eat that. Now. In the kitchen." She walked away   
and gave Buffy and Xander a sideways glance before entering the kitchen.  
  
An uncomfortable silence ensued. Buffy decided that it was up to her to   
initiate a conversation. "So, Xander, what's up?"  
  
What's up? Buffy repeated the words in her mind. Stupid! Stupid! Couldn't   
you think of something so lame?  
  
"Nothing much," came the equally lame answer.  
  
Xander took a step closer to her and then stopped. He laughed nervously.   
"You know, Buffy… all those things I said earlier, I didn't…"  
  
"Stop doing that."  
  
"Stop doing what?"  
  
"What you always do. Apologize when you've done nothing wrong," Buffy said.   
"I deserved it. Every bit of it. I haven't exactly been the nicest person…   
especially to you. I'm sorry."  
  
"No, no... I've been thinking about what I said and … well, I was so mean,   
and I didn't…"  
  
"It's okay," she answered. "It should be me apologizing anyways."  
  
"I had no right to say those things…"  
  
"Could you just stop it?" Buffy asked. "I don't want to spend the whole day   
arguing over who was wrong. I just want to… I just want us to get past it."  
  
"And go where?"  
  
"I don't know," she replied honestly. She paused. "So, you never really   
left, huh."  
  
"Yeah," he replied shyly. "You know, just… checking on you and stuff. But   
not in a stalker way."  
  
"I think it's sweet."  
  
"Well… thanks." Xander blushed a little and turned away so Buffy couldn't   
see it. "But I'm not exactly proud of myself… what I said…"  
"Xander…" warned Buffy. "Enough about that. Can't you just accept the fact   
that you're … great."  
  
Xander looked down and said nothing for a while. "Yeah, but obviously not   
as great as some people."  
  
Buffy looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Oh, nobody…" Xander looked at her. "Just some hunky guy decked out in   
leather pants that are way too tight."  
  
"Alex?"  
  
"So that's his name," Xander mumbled. "Not bad."  
  
"He's just a friend," Buffy explained, "That's all. We just went for a   
movie and … so I did see you last night."  
  
Xander nodded guiltily.  
  
"And at the restaurant?"  
  
Xander confirmed this with another guilty nod.  
  
"And I thought I was going crazy."  
  
"I thought you were too. I mean… leather pants?"  
  
"He doesn't dress like that usually."  
  
There was another long pause before any more words were exchanged between   
them. Xander bit his lower lip. "So… what brings you back here, anyways."  
  
"Actually," said Buffy, "You."  
  
"Me?"  
  
"I just wanted to see you again," said Buffy slowly, "I mean, I didn't   
exactly have the fondest of memories of the last time we spoke."  
  
"I thought we weren't going to talk about that anymore."  
  
"You can't talk about it. I can," said Buffy. "I have to. Xander, I admit -   
everything you said about me that day was true. There's no excuse for the   
way I've treated you all these years. I… just took you for granted… and I   
guess I shouldn't have done that."  
  
Xander just looked at her as she stood up. "And all those things I told you   
… I was lying."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I was just afraid. Of you… of us. I was just so afraid of losing you, I   
didn't want to do anything to risk that."  
  
"You could never lose me."  
  
"I know." She took a step closer to him and smiled. "That's what I came   
back to tell you. That, and one more thing."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
She grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and brought her lips to his.   
They shared a long, passionate kiss, and broke off after a considerably long   
span of time without oxygen. Xander gave a small gasp of surprise after they   
were done, and Buffy wrapped her arms around him. They said nothing for a   
long while, just looking into each other's eyes.  
  
"So," Xander asked, "Where are we now? Us?"  
  
"Where would you like us to be?"  
  
"Nowhere," said Xander. "I mean… not in that whole negative nowhere not a   
chance kind of thing. I think … we've gone through so much… I think we   
should start over. As friends. And see where that road takes us… and   
hopefully it'll lead us back here. And then it'll be perfect … beginning   
from end."  
  
Buffy gave him a small smile. "I'd like that." They pulled apart.  
  
"Good." Xander grinned at her. "I heard there's a pretty good movie showing   
tonight. Want to go?"  
  
"Absolutely."  
  
"Pick you up at eight?"  
  
"Seven."  
  
Xander laughed. "All right."  
  
  
Joyce watched the two of them from the kitchen, and she smiled.  
  
END  
  
"Cardboard masks of all the people I've been  
Thrown out with all the rusted, tangled, dented  
God Damned miseries  
You could say I'm hard to hold  
But if you knew me you'd know..."  
- Jann Arden , 'Good Mother' 


End file.
